Since becoming a Mum in 2015, I’ve felt elated yet anxious, fulfilled yet defeated.. Nothing you read, preach or do will prepare you for the waves of emotions that you will have becoming a parent. Gone are the days of being selfish and only worrying about number one, you will ALWAYS have them on your mind and be questioning their own happiness and contentment before yours.
Starting a family is, in my opinion, the most indescribable experience you will ever experience. There is nothing better than creating your own little best friends to love, nurture and watch grow, that said, it comes at a cost, you.
I was told by doctors I would never be able to fall pregnant, I have PCOS and have had medical ups and downs all my life including a kidney removed at a young age and my Mum was told at the time not to hold hope of me having children, but I did and I am now nearing the end of my second pregnancy with my second son and I feel so grateful.
However, having a baby tests every relationship you took for granted before they came along and not in a good way. This is what I found the hardest bit of becoming a new Mum.
My other half worked nights when Frankie was born & was (still is) self employed, so he isn’t entitled to any paternity leave, Frankie was born on the Thursday morning and he was back at work on the Sunday night. It was hard going but in one way him working nights meant that I always just dealt with the night feeds, I didn’t have any other choice so we didn’t have ‘who is going to get up and deal with baby’ rows at 4am, because he wasn’t there anyway! But we would have wars over him forgetting to put the steriliser on or to get my frozen breast milk out when he left the house, meaning when I arose bleary eyed to a screaming Frankie at 3am I had double the fun!
Going from a fun loving couple who loved our weekends of being selfish, partying, drinking and enjoying ourselves to a couple that would have full blown arguments over who was meant to pack an extra dummy was to put it bluntly, shit. You don’t think having a baby will change you that much but it does, every aspect of every day life changes. Even when you go out alone, you will spend 95% of your evening talking about the baby.
I felt totally isolated by friends after the initial 2-3 weeks of everyone coming to see us after Frankie was born then watching their lives carrying on whilst I couldn’t be bothered to brush my teeth some days and had worn the same t-shirt for 48 hours straight. It’s hard when you are one of the first to have a child in your friendship group, you wonder why don’t they make more effort? Or see us more? The reality is their life hasn’t changed and they stop asking you out, not because they don’t want you there but because they just think that you are in this blissful baby bubble and they don’t want to pull you from it! I wrote more about that here – Dear The Friends I Lost Along The Way
I am feeling the same apprehensions I did back then all over again with baby #2 due to make his appearance in the next 6 weeks, will I feel lonely again? Will Frankie take to his brother? Am I going to struggle with two? How am I going to leave the house with x2 as many children and bags!?
But the thing is that no one can answer those questions for me, it is OKAY NOT TO FEEL OKAY. I have support, a partner, an amazing Mum, family & friends around me that I am not afraid to talk to and ask for help. This time I have an extra set of hands too in the shape of the best big brother there will ever be!
Not always the best one to take my own advice but this time around I WILL talk about how I feel and not worry about what other people think of me. If I am feeling overwhelmed or in need to rant that your other half has forgotten to put the pissing sterilizer on again or buy that pack of nappies you asked three times for I’ll pick up the phone and do just that!
My inbox is always open for any readers struggling with anxiety or in need of advice. xx