Dear All My Old Friends,
I don’t know how it happened but life got in the way, we stopped being there for each other and now we’re friends no more. Was it when I became a Mum? Was we already drifting before then? I can’t put my finger on the day you left but when my life became consumed by nipple pads, Baby TV and leaps yours didn’t change. My days became nappy changes, cluster feeds and googling ‘why is my baby crying at 4am’ whilst you were only just getting in at 4am. You didn’t know what a Dr Brown’s bottle was, you had no idea what colic was and I was just trying to pull my shit together to get through the days that rolled into one and we had nothing in common anymore. I was too tired to focus on the latest trend or push a travel system round the shops looking at clothes I could no longer afford or fit into and why would you want to come to a sick infested softplay and sit clapping hands with my baby in a ball pit?
Some of you had no interest in us anymore, who wants to visit a newborn on a Friday night? Some of you couldn’t grasp the changes that I had to accommodate and just stopped asking me to come out or be there and the rest of you slipped through the net and just didn’t bother at all. I kept on texting and you started not to reply, the blue ticks kept appearing but no response came. It’s partly my fault too, you didn’t care that my baby had just taken from a bottle for the first time or started clinging to the rattle you’d bought him months before when you’d chosen to gift it to us for his baby shower full of excitement of your friend becoming a Mother, you were just missing your friend but I too was missing mine and now you’re nowhere to be seen.
You still commented every photo, liked every video writing ‘must see you soon’, ‘so cute, miss you’, but the months go so quickly when you have a baby and my newborn soon became a baby, then a toddler and before you know it it’s been ‘far too long again’ and you missed the crawling, walking, talking journey I’ve been consumed with for the past year to remember to ask how you were, how your job was going. I didn’t have the money to pay for another night out because he doesn’t stop growing and yet again needed new clothes whilst I tried to survive living on maternity pay but I wanted to come, I wanted to be there.
Some months went by and I was stuck in a cloud of leaps, jumparoos and buying different bum creams to cure nappy rash that I forgot to ask how you were too. Your life was foreign to me and you couldn’t wrap your head around mine and how could you? Your life hadn’t changed but mine did every single day and although I don’t think we were ready to lose each other yet that’s exactly what happened.
You won’t know now because you’re not yet a Mum but one day when you are you’ll understand how I was feeling and I’ll still be there for you. I’ll be just as excited as you first were for me when I found out I was pregnant if we find each other again. I’ll be excited when your baby cuts a tooth, I’ll come with you and eat half toasted soggy paninis whilst we chase the kids around a plastic jungle of softplay, I’ll give you advice and encourage how to potty train your little one and on the days you want to curl up into a ball when your toddler has screamed down Tesco and your hair hasn’t been washed in a week I’ll bring the wine.
I’ll never blame you for not being there but I will for missing his life go by, he will never take his first steps or say his first word again but he won’t remember that you wasn’t in his life for the early days. You are always welcome to come back and enjoy the rest of his milestones to come with us and I’ll be a better friend now the newborn days are behind me.
Love your very tired, here for you always, friend x